In your Granny's arms

You are in your Granny's arms and you couldn't be happier. It goes without saying that your Granny feels the same.

Since your too young to remember this moment I'm marking it for you. Your Granny is one of the most important people in my life next to your brother and Dad. She will be one of the most important in your life too but then you already know that.

The heart VS the head

Well I wasn't wrong

You got re-intubated at around 2:30 am. I wasn't here but from what Dad tells me it went something like.

Around 11 pm they deiced that your drop in heart rate are from you bearing down. Maybe in pain, or trying to breath deeper, but not from any problems with your heart. Which is such a relief.

A few hours later your Dad and your nurse (who had also become more and more concerned with how you were struggling to breath) were expressing to the Dr (a fellow) that you seemed to be struggling even more with breathing but he kept assuring them that your labs looked fine and that you were fine.

Finally around 2-ish the head Dr. came in. Listened to your lungs for a short while and said that the wheezing sound the fellow had heard was because your left lung had collapsed. Sure enough an Xray showed that it had and you were re-extubated.

Your Dad said once you were back on the breathing machine you relaxed almost immediately and were much more comfortable but you were wide awake and he just couldn't leave you. I want you to know that even though your Dad only got about 3 hrs of sleep the night before, he stayed with you all night till around 5:30 in the morning. I can't imagine how tired he was. Your and your brother are so lucky to have a Daddy loves you and is so devoted to you.

The head Dr. expressed her concern to your Dad last night that she felt you might be getting too much pain meds and so your too sleepy. If you too sleepy then your not breathing deeply. If you not breathing deeply then you get atelectasis (collapsing of air pockets in lungs) which might have led to your lung collapse.

This left me feeling very guilty as I have express my concerns about controlling your pain many times with your nurses and I'm afraid they might have been giving you more because of me.

My head understands exactly what the Dr is saying, my heart almost doesn't care. The thought of you suffering in pain even a little bit in unbearable. But my head also knows if you don't get off the ventilator as soon as possible it can lead to all sorts of additional problems.

So then who wins, my head or my heart?

We need you home. We need you well and if that means you have to be more awake and not so much pain meds then that's what it means. You have to cry a little more, than that's what we will have to do. I can't believe I'm basically asking my 9 day old to suck it up and be strong but there it is. But I am going to be sure we are walking a fine line between comfort and control.

I don't know if my heart is going to make it.

So I'm at your bedside with your nurse Juliet. She's an amazing nurse and I feel so lucky that we will have her for her last two days of work before she goes on maternity leave. She is one of a few nurses that have been a gift to us.

She and I were talking about the pain meds and the Dr's concern that you might be getting too much and she doesn't feel that you haven't been getting too much. She feels that the amounts are pretty typical for what they usually give. That makes me feel a little better but I'm still going to try and hold off on asking (or insisting) they give you something as quickly.

Your Granny should be here any minuet. She is going to stay with you today so your Dad and I can get away. Not from you, but outside away from the hospital for a while. Depending on how your Dad feels we may go see a movie, or if he's too tired I might just go do some shopping. Or maybe just sit in the sun and try not to think. I feel guilty being away from you but I think it will do us good and with both your Granny and Juliet here to take care of you I have nothing to worry about.

I have a surprise for your Granny. Juliet says even though your on the breathing machine there is no reason why we cant hold you so when Granny gets here we are going to let her hold you. It will be the first time she has been able to. I can't wait! What a fantastic surprise that will be.

We are not sure what the plan is today but she's pretty sure you wont be extubated. I have to admit I'm relived.

It will give my heart, and my head, a rest.

Try Try Again

Today was a great day, we removed your breathing tubs at about 11:00 you were on your own and doing so great that Dad went with Tia Trina and Tio Adrian for fish tacos to celebrate. Not just any fish tacos but Ensenada fish tacos. You will love these one day. Your Mom was having her staples removed and dropping your brother off at Tia JJ's. It was good spending time with Pierce your Mom and I miss him terribly. This time has been trying on all of us, but you are worth it.




At about 2:00 PM you had your first dip in your heart rate, this was followed by other episodes but we were all hopeful, you were down to only two meds and 55% oxygen. Your eyes were open and you were turning your head to look at me. I was ecstatic when you looked over at me while I was singing you the Mr. Fussy Pants song. You were tearing up during my serenade, I would like to think that you were crying over the precious moment and not my mediocre singing voice.

At about 6:00 PM your mother sowed up from hellish traffic, she was exhausted. you started having breathing difficulties and we were all watching over you. I took the first shift and Mom went home after 10:00 to get some rest, after all she is still getting over surgery and pumping every 4 hours. The things women go through. At 1:30AM we noticed that your breathing had become shallow and rapid after a consultation of 3 doctors, 2 nursed, and one concerned dad, an x-ray was done. Sure enough you left lung had stated to collapse. At 2:15 you were re-intubated and things got better. you lasted 12 hours on your own. We will let you rest and try again. it is 4:45 now and I am going to go to sleep so if am making no sense well you know why. -Dad

From the highest of highs...

to the lowest of lows

You remain off the ventilator but your struggling.

Your heart rate has been dropping down to the 100's and at the same time your oxygen saturation level has been dropping to the low 80's (should be 95% or better).

You still have a lot of thick secretions and your just working so hard to breathe. They have started breathing treatments, and Lasix to help you get rid of more fluids. But my heart is heavy with the thought that you might go back on the breathing machine before too long.

They have you hooked up to a 12 lead EKG trying to capture when your heart rate drops so they can get an idea of why it's happening but of course you haven't dropped your rate since they hooked you up.

Your lab work all looks good so the nurses keep reassuring me that your fine but, while I may not have any experience with babies, I have years of experience with respiratory failure and I don't like what I see.

I hope I'm wrong. I would love to be wrong.

Your Dad has been by your bedside all day and is going to keep an eye on you while I get a couple hours of sleep. Then I will come back and keep watch till the morning.

Your Granny is coming in the morning to sit with you so we can get some sleep.

Your eyes are open and you are looking at us. You just look so uncomfortable as you work so hard to breath and I ache to hold you and comfort you. But it's not safe while your not doing well.

Your heart rate just dropped again. It's hard not feel a little lower each time it happens.

WOO HOO!

CELEBRATE TONIGHT!


Mason is extubated and doing great.

I'm far away at home seeing the Dr and running some errands and it's breaking my heart that I'm not there but I'm so happy I'm floating.

I'm told I get to hold time tonight as long as he continues to do well so I'm finishing up and hauling my butt back to LA.

BTW..my cell phone is dead so if you've texted me or called that's why I haven't' gotten back to you.

Doing the happy dance! Come do it with me!

Not such a merry un-birthday after all.....

Well for about 20 minuets you looked like this...

see Ma no tubes!

but you kept experiencing episodes where you weren't breathing and your saturation fell down to dangerously low levels. They tried suctioning you because you had a lot of very thick secretions. They even tried putting you on high flow through the nasal cannula but it didn't work. No matter what they tried in the end you were working too hard to breath and they made the decision to re-intubate you.

the Dr's and nurses rushing around to re-intubate you

As disappointing as it is, if your not ready, your not ready. So for now your back on the breathing machine and we will try again in a few days.

breathing tube is back but at least it's out of your nose

The sweet thing was how upset your nurse Kirstin was. She felt so bad that you had to go back on the vent and kept apologising and saying how you just looked so perfect on paper. I kept reassuring her that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't feel bad. But she did anyway. See everybody loves you Jelly and is rooting for you.

You did get your chest tubes out so YAY! Dad said you didn't even flinch. Last night I was talking with your nurse Kenny and telling him that I preferred you "snowed" (as in so snowed with pain meds you didn't know what was going on) and he said that he had been warned that the "mother" was really big on pain control.

He he...so nurses are being warned about me. I don't mind if it means they are extra vigilant about keeping your pain under control.

Two steps forward, one step back. But still one step forward towards home.

Now we are off to spend time with this guy. I will be back to see you later tonight.

Best big brother in the world!

Freedom!!!!

Happy 1st week birthday baby! (although I will always consider your surgery day your true birthday)

To celebrate this milestone your Dr's and nurses are removing tubes and medications from you.

It's just after 9 am and already they have removed your umbilical cord line, your cerebral profusion sensor (big sticker on your forehead) and renal sensor.

Notice anything different? Cerebral sensor is gone!

They have turned the ventilator down to CPAP which means you are doing all the work of breathing and the machine is just supporting you a tiny bit. If you continue to do well (and your doing great) and you blood work comes back good then you will be extubated in less than half an hour.

Your nurse Kirstin also tells me that you chest tubes will be coming out sometime today too.

Already it's starting to look like there might be a baby under there!

If all goes well we will start trying to feed you tomorrow. We will probably start with Pedialyte and see how you take that and if successful then we will try the breast milk that I have been pumping and freezing for you.

Then in a couple of hours your brother will be here. I so wish he could see you but the plan is for your Aunt JJ to come and sit with you while Dad and I visit with Pierce. He's even going to spend the night if it all works out. I'm so excited. It's been a week since we've really spent any time with him.

Last night your Auntie Tiff came for a visit and she brought your Auntie Katt to meet you. You were of course beautiful and on your best behavior (the Fentanyl didn't hurt).