The heart VS the head

Well I wasn't wrong

You got re-intubated at around 2:30 am. I wasn't here but from what Dad tells me it went something like.

Around 11 pm they deiced that your drop in heart rate are from you bearing down. Maybe in pain, or trying to breath deeper, but not from any problems with your heart. Which is such a relief.

A few hours later your Dad and your nurse (who had also become more and more concerned with how you were struggling to breath) were expressing to the Dr (a fellow) that you seemed to be struggling even more with breathing but he kept assuring them that your labs looked fine and that you were fine.

Finally around 2-ish the head Dr. came in. Listened to your lungs for a short while and said that the wheezing sound the fellow had heard was because your left lung had collapsed. Sure enough an Xray showed that it had and you were re-extubated.

Your Dad said once you were back on the breathing machine you relaxed almost immediately and were much more comfortable but you were wide awake and he just couldn't leave you. I want you to know that even though your Dad only got about 3 hrs of sleep the night before, he stayed with you all night till around 5:30 in the morning. I can't imagine how tired he was. Your and your brother are so lucky to have a Daddy loves you and is so devoted to you.

The head Dr. expressed her concern to your Dad last night that she felt you might be getting too much pain meds and so your too sleepy. If you too sleepy then your not breathing deeply. If you not breathing deeply then you get atelectasis (collapsing of air pockets in lungs) which might have led to your lung collapse.

This left me feeling very guilty as I have express my concerns about controlling your pain many times with your nurses and I'm afraid they might have been giving you more because of me.

My head understands exactly what the Dr is saying, my heart almost doesn't care. The thought of you suffering in pain even a little bit in unbearable. But my head also knows if you don't get off the ventilator as soon as possible it can lead to all sorts of additional problems.

So then who wins, my head or my heart?

We need you home. We need you well and if that means you have to be more awake and not so much pain meds then that's what it means. You have to cry a little more, than that's what we will have to do. I can't believe I'm basically asking my 9 day old to suck it up and be strong but there it is. But I am going to be sure we are walking a fine line between comfort and control.

I don't know if my heart is going to make it.

So I'm at your bedside with your nurse Juliet. She's an amazing nurse and I feel so lucky that we will have her for her last two days of work before she goes on maternity leave. She is one of a few nurses that have been a gift to us.

She and I were talking about the pain meds and the Dr's concern that you might be getting too much and she doesn't feel that you haven't been getting too much. She feels that the amounts are pretty typical for what they usually give. That makes me feel a little better but I'm still going to try and hold off on asking (or insisting) they give you something as quickly.

Your Granny should be here any minuet. She is going to stay with you today so your Dad and I can get away. Not from you, but outside away from the hospital for a while. Depending on how your Dad feels we may go see a movie, or if he's too tired I might just go do some shopping. Or maybe just sit in the sun and try not to think. I feel guilty being away from you but I think it will do us good and with both your Granny and Juliet here to take care of you I have nothing to worry about.

I have a surprise for your Granny. Juliet says even though your on the breathing machine there is no reason why we cant hold you so when Granny gets here we are going to let her hold you. It will be the first time she has been able to. I can't wait! What a fantastic surprise that will be.

We are not sure what the plan is today but she's pretty sure you wont be extubated. I have to admit I'm relived.

It will give my heart, and my head, a rest.