Warning mad elephant...

My mom was watching TV the other day and saw this scene from Dumbo. She said it reminded her of you and I and I agree.

This is exactly how I feel.

Jailed. Locked away from my baby. Locked away from our lives.

I even think the "danger" and the "mad elephant" signs are very fitting. At least I think the Dr's, and nurses sometimes think so.

I know sometimes I feel like a "mad elephant" fighting to protect her child.

I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being thought of as a bitch, or at least difficult, by the medical staff.

I'm hitting an emotional and physical wall more and more often and sometimes I just don't think I can do this another minute.

But it only last for a while. Usually till I'm with you.

It's amazing how my love for you fills me and heals me. I know I am where I am meant to be. You are far beyond worth everything this is costing.

I know your Dad and I will keep on going till we have you home and well. As long as it takes.

But I'm seriously wondering if someday, in the distant future, when we are back on even ground again if I won't go through some kind of post traumatic stress from all of this.

I might just have to take a mental break or something and deal with all these emotions I'm just pushing aside that I don't have the energy or time to deal with.

Ah well, I doubt I'll ever have the time.

I don't think I will ever be able to watch Dumbo again without having flashbacks though.

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So anyway on to you....

Your breathing has improved a lot but I honestly can't say if it's better than before the surgery or not. We still have hope that you just need more time to heal and, with time, we might see a great improvement. But both your dad and I feel we haven't seen anything yet to make us think there has been any great change in your breathing.

Today Monday, the last day of February, your still on the vent through the nasal cannula. We are decreasing the support a little everyday and your labs have been pretty good but not great.

We are going to give it another week to see what happens. Maybe things will change. I has only been a week today since your surgery.

I just can't let my heart hope. It hurts too much to hope right now.

Since I haven't taken any pics lately. I'm posting some videos I took of you. The first two are ones I took on the longest night of our lives.

As bad as you look and sound in these the funny thing is they were taken in the early morning hours after you were starting to show improvement. I wanted to show you a bit of how you were breathing and what you went through. Notice on the second one how deep your chest is retracting as you try and breath and remember this is when you were doing a ton better.

I should have done some in the early evening when you were really struggling but I was too scared to think of pictures or video then.

This one was taken yesterday while you were awake and playing with me. While we don't know how good your vision is I now have no doubt now that you can see. Your personality is starting to come out and it's so much fun to be with you.

I'm too tired to give a blow by blow of the last few days, though someday I think I should, so I will give you the short version.

The Dr's wouldn't start your feeds. I fought them and got them to start them.

The Dr's wouldn't increase your feeds. I fought them and got them increased.

The Dr's wouldn't increase your feeds more. Yes, I fought them and well you know the rest.

The Dr's stopped your feeds. Nobody knows exactly why. Maybe 'cause you were a little gassy, or because your tummy was a little distended, or because it was Saturday, or because they are crazy food Nazi's or something but...of course I fought them and of course I got them started again.

So now it's Monday early evening. The Dr's are only increasing your feedings by 3cc's every 12 hours for no apparent reason. At this rate it will take 2.5 days to get you back to full feeds. Way too long for you to be without proper nutrition.

So your dad and I are going to go have dinner before he heads back for the week.

and I will go and fight them.

Because I am a mad elephant and I must protect my baby.