Thursday, February 24, 2011

The longest night of our lives

I've been sitting here thinking over my life for the last 41 years.

There have been many hard long nights, some from emotional pain, some from physical, but I can say without doubt that last night was the longest and hardest I have ever known.

When I leave here I will have been at the hospital for 22 hrs. I didn't eat breakfast, I only ate a bit of lunch, and forgot to eat my dinner.

I've been sitting in this chair for most of the 22 hrs except when I've been stand at your bedside.

I spent about 30 minuets standing while holding up your head till my arm fell asleep trying to get rid of some of the facial swelling you got from laying on your face for so many hours. Another 3o minuets holding your hand because it seemed to calm you, and endless amounts of time with my face pressed against yours ( so in case you can't hear me I know you will a least feel me) repeating over and over again "it's alright Mason, your alright Mason, Mamma's here, it's alright"


My back is killing me, my knees are pretty bad too. I haven't had anything to eat or to drink for about 12 hrs. Physically I'm pretty much miserable.

I've almost lost it about 3 or 4 times and around 3 in the morning I just let myself cry while the nurse's were distracted looking at something on the internet.

None of this even begins to compare with what you have gone through.

I don't think I can bare to see you stuck one more time. You cry now when someone just touches you.

Your face and boy are swollen.

Your physically and emotionally spent.

I've doubted myself, as a mother, as a nurse, as a person.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I making you suffer needlessly?

Am I fighting the trach so hard for you, or for me?

Is this even worth it?

I don't know when I will have the answers to these questions but it will be shift change in a little bit and I will have to leave while the nurses give report then your dad will come and stay with you while I get some sleep.

The longest night of our lives is finally coming to an end.

We made it baby. It's been absolutely horrible but we made it.

You stayed off the breathing machine and are doing better and better every hour. Your breathing so well your even starting to wake up at times and look around.

Of course everything could change anytime but your looking really good and I'm hopeful you will stay that way.

One more day down.

One more day closer to getting you healthy and home.

10 comments:

Natisha said... Best Blogger Tips

Hello,
You don't know me but I went to high school with Katherine Earhart (now Green). She has posted several comments about your little Mason on facebook and I have been keeping up with his progress. He has been and will remain in my family's prayers. And your family will remain in our prayers as well. Stay strong!
Natisha Reynoso

~Bec~ said... Best Blogger Tips

If there is one thing that all of us who read your blog know it's that Mason is the strongest baby ever! He gets that strength from the love and strength he sees in his Mom and Dad. It is hard to go that long with your mind going over all the possibilities and not eating or resting takes a toll too. I think you are entitled to have a good cry every now and then. We will continue to pray for all of you and keep checking in!

Catherine said... Best Blogger Tips

Remember the bridge over troubled water on the trach... Kristi helped us back then to make the right decision

Michelle said... Best Blogger Tips

Praying that the good Lord gives you and your husband the strength that you need to climb this mountain. Praying for Mason.

Esther said... Best Blogger Tips

I have been following your blog but seem to be having trouble posting comments. I find your story so moving and feel I am living these moments with you even though you are the other side of the world. Your courage and strength are deeply moving and I often read this with tears in my eyes. I am thinking of you often and hope with all I have that you all pull through this. I have a little girl with CHARGE. She is 18months and has been blessedly healthy. I read your blog and realise how very fortunate we are. I hope you have some rest soon x

Justin and Victoria Nelson said... Best Blogger Tips

I know the feeling all too well. I fought the trach for the longest time, hoping that if we just gave her more time for her lungs to heal and for the swelling to go down...I just didn't want to hear the words mentioned, and my heart would sink every time someone even brought it up to me.
Mason will show you what is right for him...
We, of course, will be praying for healing and will be holding your family so very close.
xo,
Victoria

dxeechick said... Best Blogger Tips

I shed a few tears for you today. I know Mason will be fine & you are doing the right thing as his mother - the only thing a mother can do in this situation. But my heart hurts for you guys and the challenges put in front of you. Before you know it they will be a thing of the past, but I know its so hard. Hang in there. <3

Chris said... Best Blogger Tips

Your family is so strong, even though sometimes you don't feel like it. You will make the right decisions, as you have been doing all along. You know him best. I'm sure that Mason knows from your gentleness that you are there for and loving him. He is such an awesome baby and so strong. Prayers still going up for you all.

Crystal M. said... Best Blogger Tips

We all have been there at some point the beginning always the hardest, its amazing how time flies and before you know it you will all be over the huge humps and doing so well. My prayers are with you and please remember to take care of yourself as well, Mason needs a clear headed and healthy mom. I passed out last week on my son and it was not something I wanted to happen and I really scared him.
Hugs,
Crystal

ellen charge said... Best Blogger Tips

remember you are a great mummy you are doing the right things love to you and crystal is right TAKE CARE OF YOU a healhty mummy makes a healthier happier kiddo xxxx