There have been many hard long nights, some from emotional pain, some from physical, but I can say without doubt that last night was the longest and hardest I have ever known.
When I leave here I will have been at the hospital for 22 hrs. I didn't eat breakfast, I only ate a bit of lunch, and forgot to eat my dinner.
I've been sitting in this chair for most of the 22 hrs except when I've been stand at your bedside.
I spent about 30 minuets standing while holding up your head till my arm fell asleep trying to get rid of some of the facial swelling you got from laying on your face for so many hours. Another 3o minuets holding your hand because it seemed to calm you, and endless amounts of time with my face pressed against yours ( so in case you can't hear me I know you will a least feel me) repeating over and over again "it's alright Mason, your alright Mason, Mamma's here, it's alright"
I've almost lost it about 3 or 4 times and around 3 in the morning I just let myself cry while the nurse's were distracted looking at something on the internet.
None of this even begins to compare with what you have gone through.
I don't think I can bare to see you stuck one more time. You cry now when someone just touches you.
Your face and boy are swollen.
Your physically and emotionally spent.
I've doubted myself, as a mother, as a nurse, as a person.
Am I doing the right thing? Am I making you suffer needlessly?
Am I fighting the trach so hard for you, or for me?
Is this even worth it?
I don't know when I will have the answers to these questions but it will be shift change in a little bit and I will have to leave while the nurses give report then your dad will come and stay with you while I get some sleep.
The longest night of our lives is finally coming to an end.
We made it baby. It's been absolutely horrible but we made it.
You stayed off the breathing machine and are doing better and better every hour. Your breathing so well your even starting to wake up at times and look around.
Of course everything could change anytime but your looking really good and I'm hopeful you will stay that way.
One more day down.
One more day closer to getting you healthy and home.