Just for the record....

I've been having back pain since late last night. Last night it was in my lower back, today it's been in my upper back and I feel a little crampy.

My sister is positive I'm in labor, my mom is positive I'm not. Me, I'm not sure, but if it is labor I think it's super super early labor.

What I do know is I'm as miserable as I've been yet this pregnancy.

We will see what happens but I wont be surprised if we still make it till the 6th.

Maternity pics

In early December we met with my dear friend Val from Valerie Ackerman photography to do maternity pics. It's good to have talented friends. ;)

There are many more great ones that I want to post but my computer isn't cooperating right now.

The 6th it is!

I got a call from the labor and delivery nurse at Huntington hospital to arrange for my pre-op admitting appointment for the CS on the 6th at 3 p.m.

I called Dr. Starnes office and we are going to do the tour of the hospital in the morning and will keep our appointment with the Dr. at 12:30 but will probably not be able to meet up with him as he may be in surgery.

So I guess that's it. You will be born on the 6th of January 2011 only 7 days from now. What a gut check.

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Another NST test today. You did great. Instead of reading or texting on my phone I just laid back and listened to your heartbeat on the monitor. It sounds so strong and healthy and it's hard to believe that it could be damaged.

I just laid there and listened and burned the sound into my memory. For a minuet I thought of calling your Dad or recording the sound but in the end I deiced to just make it our moment.

There were tears but they were tears of happiness. The sound will always be one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard and I will never forget it.

more appointments

Today we had another stress test and you passed with flying colors. I don't even thing we were there for the whole 20 minuets. I ate a couple of cookies which woke you up and you didn't have to get buzzed. Your Dad said it went so quick he didn't even have the time to finish a whole level on his Angry Bird game.

In the afternoon we had our appointment with Dr Li. We had a quick US and you looked great. We discussed our questions and the plan for the CS and it's looking like Dr Li really wants to do the CS on Jan 6th at 3 pm. We explained that we had the appointment with Dr Starnes that day and he said he would see about doing the CS on the 7th but I have a feeling he's pretty set on the 6th so we will see.

After your Dad and I took a tour of the NICU. The charge nurse was really fantastic and I sure hope she's there when your born. The NICU was a bit overwhelming and it was good for your Dad and I to get to see it before your there.

Goodbye 2010

So officially there may be a few days left in the year but 2010 is DONE for me.

I didn't want to rush through the holidays, and I actually quite enjoyed most of it, now I'm ready to move on.

Even though your dad and I butted heads over it we took down all the Christmas decorations today, packed them up and put them away in the garage. There's just the few sets of lights we have outside and I plan on getting them down and put away soon. Christmas 2010 is done.

2010 has been a long and eventful year for us with more good than bad and I'm ready for 2011. I feel like since your diagnosis I have been moving slowly forward with stuttered steps towards a point in the horizon that is just out of my view. Part of me ready to get there, get going, and get on with whatever will be. Part of me wanting to stay just where we are with you tucked safe inside me.

Frankly I'm exhausted. Exhausted from trying to see what the future hold for us. Exhausted from trying out all the possible futures and how we will deal with them.

So goodbye 2010. It's been a great and eventful year. Here's to 2011. It boggles the mind to think all that 2011 might have in store for us.

Whatever it is in store, I'm ready to get going.

The stressful Non-stress test

So we went for our fist Non-stress test. I sign in, leave a urine sample, get a quick US to check fluid levels and then wait for a chair to open up.


Once attached the monitor they are looking to see if your heart rate goes up when you move. The monitoring can last anywhere from 20 minuets to an hour depending on how much you move.You were a little sleepy I guess so they buzzed my stomach and you practically jumped out of my skin.


You were sure on unhappy baby after that. But your heart rate and movements were exactly what they were looking for. We were out of there in 20 minuets.


I guess it's a little silly since your going to have open heart surgery but if I can keep them from buzzing you again I will.


Next appointment I will drink something cold and eat something sweet to wake you up before hand.

Checking you out
Yes, I asked the tech to take a picture for me. She thought I was a little crazy but I got my picture!

2 Dr visits today the old and the new

So today we had 2 Dr's appointments.

The first was to Dr. Tangchinob our OB. Dr. T has been my Dr for many years. He delivered either your cousin Lauren or Jonathan (I can never remember which) and your brother. I had always thought he would deliver you too.

We didn't really go over much except to say goodbye because we have now be transferred over to Dr Li at Huntington hospital who will be doing the delivery.

I love everyone at Dr. T's office. The staff are so nice (anyone would have to be to put up with me) and they really care about you and your outcome. I have to admit I cried after I left. I guess it was because Dr. T was my last link to anything normal when it comes to your birth.

I can't wait till I can bring you by and show you off to everyone there.

Dr T's office
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Later that day I had an appointment with Dr Li. I really liked him. He is the head of the OB department at Huntington hospital. I think we are lucky to have him as a Dr. (but the truth is I think we got him because he's the head and can't refuse to take us like the other OB's can).
My appointment was at 3:30 and I was in the room by 3:35! I'm gonna be spoiled here.

He said you looked beautiful and you have a big head. :)

I met him in his office after the US and we talked about your delivery. He had a stack of papers in front of him with all our medical history and would not give me a firm date for you CS till he had caught up on our info. He did say that the 7th seemed reasonable as that would put us at 39+ weeks.

Later that day I made an appointment for you dad and I too meet Dr. Vaughn Starnes who will be your surgeon on the 6th of January. We will also get a tour of Children's hospital and CNICU that day. Now you just have to hold on till the 7th!

Dr. Starnes

Road built in hope

My friend Irma posted this quote the other day and I think it perfectly describes what this blog is - my road built in hope.

The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination. –Marion Zimmer Bradley

Baby shower

Back when I was first planning you Dad and my wedding I joined a discussion board on a website called the Knot. There I "met" other brides also planning their weddings and together we could discuss details that would bore anyone other than another bride.

(I just had a mental picture of you reading this years from now and rolling your eyes because of course you know who your IE Aunties are)

Along with discussing our wedding plans we would talk about our jobs, our lives, and slowly we got to know each other as online friends (or as your Aunt Val said "fake" friends). Eventually we started planning get together to meet in person and many of these women became my friends. A few of them great friends.

So today we had planed a Christmas GTG where we were going to eat, talk, and do a small gift exchange but when I got there they surprised me with a baby shower for you.

I was totally surprised. Seriously I had no idea.

The truth is I hadn't wanted a baby shower. You aunt JJ had wanted to plan one but I wouldn't let her. Looking back now I think it's because I was thinking it would hurt more to have that reminder of you if you didn't survive. That by not having a shower I was protecting myself from at least some of the pain.

But I now realize that nothing is going to make losing you any easier and the shower far from being a sad thing was a wonderful way to celebrate you. I'm so glad I have these memories to share with you. How blessed am I to have friends like these.

Aunt Becki took pictures and we got lots of great cloths and gifts for you.Your Aunt Kim even sent a gift all the way from San Diego for you and Uncle Chris even sent a few gifts just for your Dad. Isn't that amazingly sweet?

A letter to Mason

Dear Mason,

My beloved Jelly. My miracle baby. My second son. My joy. How I love you. More than I have words to express.

I've been trying to write this letter to you for over an hour now, well for days really, but I just haven't been able to do it. Every time I try the tears come, hard, until I can't see enough to type.

It's midnight and your father is sleeping besides me and I'm trying not to cry to loud and wake him up since he has to be up in only 4 and a half hours for work and he is already exhausted. In part because of long work days and not enough sleep but mostly because he is worried about you.

But I'm going to do it. I'm going to start this blog with a letter to you because I'm running out of time. Even if we wait till I'm full term for you to be born that's only 4 weeks away and I need to get this started so it's ready to go once you are born. I don't want to get behind or I will never be able to keep up. I've lived with myself and my ways for almost 41 years now and I know that getting behind is a bad idea.

I think I haven't been able to write it because in some ways it makes this whole thing more real. Like putting down the words that I can't take back means acknowledging that you do in fact have a serious heart defect that other children have not survived.

I think that's the hardest thing I've ever written. But there it is. In black and white.
But also starting this blog is showing my faith, my absolute belief that you WILL survive. That you will live.

I'm keeping this blog for you my love so someday when your older and can understand such things you can read about your journey and understand what you experienced before you are old enough to remember. It will also be a way to update all our friends and family about your daily progress.

When your Dad and I talk about you and make plans for the future we say.."because Mason IS coming home" we always emphasise the IS.

It's our mantra, it's our talisman, it's our fact. It is the solid place we hold on to while this violent storm of bleak diagnoses, possible surgeries, and scary outcomes rage around us.
YOU ARE COMING HOME.

You are. I believe this. I know this.

You are coming home Mason. You are coming home.

I love you my beautiful baby boy. You are coming home.

So I've done it. I've started the blog. I hope to keep it as a record for you till your stable and your heart issues are more a part of your past than an everyday part of you life. Then I will turn it into a blog book so you can know and I can remember.

You have been kicking me as I type this. Sometimes I worry that you are so active because you are reacting to my tears. But I think you are actually just pissed because you don't like the way I'm sitting and squishing you. I like that. Already pissy just like your Mama.

You can't imagine how much you are loved,
Mom